waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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