oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
where are you?
Hypothermia
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
