so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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