I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
