these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
