My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
