I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
the raccoons are back...
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