Kiss
Puke
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
