I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
