I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
