im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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