hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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