The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
