I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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