Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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