i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
