So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
