I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
