ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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