I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
