He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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