Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
