the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
