I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
