He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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