I cockslap morals
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
