we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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