Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
