your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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