On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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