Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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