someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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