I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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