just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
