It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
