What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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