i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
