Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
