I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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