I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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