Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
