I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
40s are totally the cure
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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