shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
