um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
