On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
