1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
