Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The best revenge is premature balding
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize