Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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