Don't make out with my wife yet
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
