Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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