I just pynch a tree in the face
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
