She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
