Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
