Dude my mom stole all your condoms
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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