i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
