I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
the raccoons are back...
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