evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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