I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
