Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
