I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
