Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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