my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
