Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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