I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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